We are, not we will be, or we knew them.

This my mega colossal blog of everything I've been thinking over the past few months.

First, I must say that over the past few months I learned that I had a bunch of friends that I didn't know that I had. I'm not going to list you all specifically, but please know that if you've talked to me or been supportive in the past few months, I do appreciate it.

Originally when I decided I was going to post this, I thought I'd have more to write here but I've now come to realize that it wasn't all that important. What I think more than anything I've began to think about now is where do I go from here, where do we go from here, where do my friends go, and overall as a country (as were still in a time of trouble), where do we go?

I think even though I never thought about it much that I used to be really focused on the cultural attitude of "buy, buy, buy", I must admit that I'm not certain I realized that it wasn't going to fix problems or make me happy. Even now when I'm at the store it's become very funny, if I see the price on things now I don't feel so inclined to buy, buy, buy.... understanding and gaining a perspective of not having a limitless amount of money has been helpful for identifying stuff I really care about.

I really can genuinely say now that I don't feel like stuff like a vacation to disney, or california is what's going to make me happy long term. Sure, winning a trip to disney would be nice, but it's just a short getaway, and in the end the problems of the world do and will come back. Strangely now, for myself and for others it would just seem appalling to think about taking a trip somewhere knowing that myself and others are still struggling with things like appropriate jobs, and appropriate funds just to stay healthy and alive.

Sure, things I payed to do or could pay to do were nice, but just playing board games with local groups has been fun and enjoyable both back where I used to live and live now, and doesn't cost $20 like a night at the movies might. Also, I've sort of come to realize that in with an idea of driving and cars, perhaps it seemed that I'd become unaware of the reality of cars as a luxury. I know people drive across the parking lot when they could just walk, and I think that's sort of the sad reality of how that sort of thing goes.

Anyway, I suppose I should relate back my title choice here with my blog. I decided this blog was really a blog about me, my ideas, and the ideas of my friends and other influences I've had. I feel that often times were stuck in the idea of talking about "those people", or that perhaps we imagine that some people just as a group of people, unknown name unknown faces, if we don't know their stories or who they are it seems that it's much easier to pretend the issues don't exist. So I guess my challenge here, to myself even is both on a personal level and others to attempt to accept more of the story as I see it and to truly try to listen people telling their points of view in the way they see it. This also, however, should come with an understanding from both parties that just because some doesn't agree shouldn't be assumed as the person wasn't listening.

Explanation of blog title

The title of this blog is a reference to a song, and I actually chose the title of this blog a while ago before I realized I'd want to offer an explanation for the title.

The song is called "Plea From a Cat Named Virtue", Lyrics with the reference bolded:

Why don't you ever want to play?
I'm tired of this piece of string.
You sleep as much as I do now, and you
don't eat much of anything.

I don't know who you're talking to
I made a search through every room,
but all I found was dust that moved
in shadows of the afternoon.

And listen,
about those bitter songs you sing?
They're not helping anything.
They won't make you strong.

So, we should open up the house.
Invite the tabby two doors down.
You could ask your sister, if
she doesn't bring her Basset Hound.
Ask of things you shouldn't miss:
tape-hiss and the Modern Man,
The Cold War and Card Catalogues,
to come and join us if they can,

for girly drinks and parlor games.
We'll pass around the easy lie
of absolutely no regrets,
and later maybe you could try
to let your losses dangle off
the sharp edge of a century,
and talk about the weather, or
how the weather used to be.

And I'll cater
with all the birds that I can kill.
Let their tiny feathers fill
disappointment.

Lie down;
lick the sorrow from your skin.
Scratch the terror and begin
to believe you're strong.

All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV,
and frankly that thing doesn't really interest me.
I swear I'm going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood
if you don't stop the self-defeating lies you've been repeating
since the day you brought me home.
I know you're strong.

I should mention that I don't care much for video.

Video here (choosing this for interesting performance choice):

Further explain of language difficulties

Let me first establish that:

I may use examples of songs or media I don't like, simply because I feel they well communicate idea.

The song in which I'm currently thinking of is "Different names for the same thing- DCFC"

Lyrics:

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumpled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I have no words to share it with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing.

There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

So, this information is relevant to my use of speech. As I understand that an idea might be relevant to a variety of different people and experiences, I try not to use a specific label which would make an idea less relevant to a person, as they example presents in many situations and is not limited to the specific sample I'm using to describe.

A note on language and background of a person.

(This conversation started in relation to people who call out to interrupt a presentation compared to people who raise their hands, and was a statement I made about raising your hand.)

I will likely have to paraphrase as I can't remember the exact wording....

"I got punished for raising my hand, I don't feel like going into presentations anymore." - J. Gray Rosenblum

"No, some people just don't know about raising their hands and nobody wanted to exclude/be mean to those people, the people probably forgot you raised your hand." - (Other person I was speaking to, left unnamed)

I later realized that regardless of the conversation I was trying to have, I didn't properly communicate the idea (I did actually get to correct this given situation though).

So, at least point I was very much thinking about a song called American English by Idlewild.

Link to song (for easy access):

(I don't really like music videos, I just am using this for easy reference to what I'm talking about).

Lyrics:

Songs when the truth are all dedicated to you

In this invisible world I choose to live in

And if you believe that now I understand

Why words mean so much to you, they’ll never be about you

Maybe you’re young without youth

Or maybe you’re old without knowing anything true

I think you’re young without youth

Then you contract the American dream, you never look up once

You’ve contracted American dreams,I require you to stop and look up

Sing a song about myself, keep singing the song about myself

Not some invisible world

Constantly searching to find something new

But what will you find when you think that nothing’s true?

Maybe it’s that nothing is new

So you let me hear songs that were written all about you

The good songs weren’t written for you, they’ll never be about you

Then you contract the American dream, you never look up once

You’ve contracted American dreams, you never look up once,

so don’t look up

Sing a song about myself, keep singing the song about myself

Not some invisible world

Sing a song about myself, keep singing a song about myself

Not some invisible world

And I won’t tell you what this means, ‘cause you’ll already know

And I won’t tell you what this means, ‘cause you already know

So sing a song about myself, keep singing the song about myself

Not some invisible world

And you came along and found the weak spot,

but you’ve always wanted

And let yourself be everything, that you’ve always wanted

It doesn’t have to be so decided, you’ve always wanted

And no need for explanations, that you’ve always wanted

You’ll find what you find when you find there’s nothing

And you’ll find what you find when you find there’s nothing

Words by Roddy Woomble. Music by Idlewild.

Published by Deceptive Music Ltd / EMI Music Publishing Ltd

So, in explanation of the conversation earlier I was very angry about this conversation, and later realized that (in my opinion) me and this other person were having different discussion because of multiple definitions of a given word.

The word I'm currently focusing on is "punishment".

The problem was likely this...

I'm using a definition for punishment that would be found in a psychology textbook, to phrase in general "An event that occurs after a behavior is displayed that reduces the change of the behavior presenting again."

I think this person met (now that I have a dictionary to find out):

(From Merriam Webster dictionary) either "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution" or "a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure"

According to these definition my statement likely made no sense, as no one had an intent to be creating a penalty for raising a hand.

So, for the person to give me the definition they did made sense for their definition but at the time just made me angry as I felt that they didn't address what I said.

To use punishment to mean "An event that occurs after a behavior is displayed that reduces the change of the behavior presenting again." I would be correct for my interpretation.

I did raise my hand and never got to ask my question, so I am unlikely to raise my hand again to try to get to speak within this setting.

My frustration is that I cannot easily communicate some method to respectfully interrupt a conversation, and so I get angry. As I can't determine and ask the background knowledge of every person I know, I am likely to find a word that I can't figure out the context use of.

A brief reflection on media sources.

I recently have correctly identified that I have some communication difficulties related to knowledge of media sources, in the following I'm going to attempt to outline what I've learned about my use of media sources.

When I meet a person I'm trying to gain information about them based on what media sources they state they like (celebrities, musicians, authors, etc.), I also realized that in the past I've been attempting to understand people through the use of apparel and word choice.

I've noticed that do to this identification method if I encounter a person who I have identify with a pattern of likes I experience a lot of distress and then have to attempt to understand why the person doesn't follow the pattern I predicted.

While I have found that to some extent exposure controls what a person will be aware of and enjoy, though I realize that overall a person who doesn't seem to follow a pattern I've identified is likely to ruin my system and cause me to get upset.

(Examples of hypothetical people below, person B will be the example of a person who is likely to confuse me when I meet them and cause stress):

Person A:

(Likes): Math, Favorite music artist is Tom Leher, Wears Jeans and T-Shirts, Likes Hiking, Seemingly quiet.

Person B:

(Likes): Chemistry, wears tight clothes, favorite color is pink, Favorite music artist is Lady Gaga, Has interest in strategy board games, and seemingly outgoing.

Person B in these examples is likely to merely confuse me as I attempt to evaluate how these likes would all be related. So, if I find a person who follows a series of interest which I don't seem commonly together I generally will try to get away from the person until I can attempt to process and understand explanations for how the set of likes relates.

In an earlier brief description of the practice outlined above, my significant other noted that this concept seems to operate in a way similar to Netflix movie preference predictor; I am choosing to mention the predictability comment as I felt this was an accurate summary of what I've noted above.

An additional area of concern related to this pattern relates to academic knowledge, as I have noticed a issue of definition variance among different fields of study.

Updating on intention of change in use and updates.

Since the initial creation the blog my goals and purposes for deciding to blog have become significantly different.

I will be updating this blog my both original content for this blog, and as a reposting of ideas first expressed either in a academic or social context (should I consider them relevant).

I have recently come to the understanding that attempting to explain my thoughts might be more beneficial if I were to relate these thoughts to pre-existing ideas and media points with some written interpretation of these media sources at the end of the message.

(Old blog post have been left as reference points of earlier thoughts)

Accepting yourself, sometimes.

I admittedly have a problem that reoccurs, that is, when problems arise too much or issues within the autistic community become too hard I find it easier to deny a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. To me it seems that if you feel able to deny something you're able to deny challenges that may come because of it. I've had a discussion with others before about how I'm not willing to change who I am. I may seem to have more "negatives" than some other people I know directly, as I sometimes have had them pointed out by people like my mother. I am aware that I don't have an IQ as high as many of the acquaintances and friends I've had (I've had a sample that has generally very high IQs). I know that I've been upset that I didn't feel as smart as the people around me and I've question why the few people who accept me do so. Somewhat recently a person told me that they thought they didn't think think I had AS rather that I should have an Autism diagnosis, I understand that this was merely a non professional opinion and had took root in the person's own biased opinion. The problem that I had with the opinion that was stated doesn't relate to me feeling the diagnosis is any better or worse, the concern or reason for upset was the judgements that the person made along with their statement.

When I deny all diagnosis I temporary escape judgements, nothing else. When I deny having a diagnosis the benefits and challenges that I have related to whatever you'd like to call the condition I have don't go away. When I take test the results generally result in a way that you would expect to see for a person on the autism spectrum. Approximately a year ago I would have come up with a number of explanations or excuses as to why some results on test and evaluations were they way they had resulted. I know that I've even attempted to even find alternative explanations for why I like replaying videos for hours, or rocking back and forth.

I'd like to say that in the future I won't resort to attempting to deny a diagnosis, I know that while I can accept discussions about myself at the current moment a time will probably return when I'll find it easier to attempt to search for other ways to explain the experiences I have. I don't expect or want the experiences I've had or will have to cease to exist, I do however hope that will time I will perhaps learn to manage discussion and not try to temporarily put up a wall from them when everything becomes too overwhelming.