Accepting yourself, sometimes.

I admittedly have a problem that reoccurs, that is, when problems arise too much or issues within the autistic community become too hard I find it easier to deny a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. To me it seems that if you feel able to deny something you're able to deny challenges that may come because of it. I've had a discussion with others before about how I'm not willing to change who I am. I may seem to have more "negatives" than some other people I know directly, as I sometimes have had them pointed out by people like my mother. I am aware that I don't have an IQ as high as many of the acquaintances and friends I've had (I've had a sample that has generally very high IQs). I know that I've been upset that I didn't feel as smart as the people around me and I've question why the few people who accept me do so. Somewhat recently a person told me that they thought they didn't think think I had AS rather that I should have an Autism diagnosis, I understand that this was merely a non professional opinion and had took root in the person's own biased opinion. The problem that I had with the opinion that was stated doesn't relate to me feeling the diagnosis is any better or worse, the concern or reason for upset was the judgements that the person made along with their statement.

When I deny all diagnosis I temporary escape judgements, nothing else. When I deny having a diagnosis the benefits and challenges that I have related to whatever you'd like to call the condition I have don't go away. When I take test the results generally result in a way that you would expect to see for a person on the autism spectrum. Approximately a year ago I would have come up with a number of explanations or excuses as to why some results on test and evaluations were they way they had resulted. I know that I've even attempted to even find alternative explanations for why I like replaying videos for hours, or rocking back and forth.

I'd like to say that in the future I won't resort to attempting to deny a diagnosis, I know that while I can accept discussions about myself at the current moment a time will probably return when I'll find it easier to attempt to search for other ways to explain the experiences I have. I don't expect or want the experiences I've had or will have to cease to exist, I do however hope that will time I will perhaps learn to manage discussion and not try to temporarily put up a wall from them when everything becomes too overwhelming.

Creating unrealistic goals for children.

I've been wondering for most of the day why it is that many people will tell their children that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. In reality judging by statistics and standards of what we know about a child's performance level, other intellectual and physical growth elements we know this isn't true. The typical average child will never become a veterinarian, in fact only those scoring at least in the 94 percentile on standardized test will likely be accepted into a school to study veterinary medicine. Beyond even setting up children on unrealistic dreams, schools like mine will present older students with the opportunity to tour schools like University of Pennsylvania and see what their veterinary program is like, why in the world is my school taking students with an average 55th percentile score to a school that accepts students with an average 96th percentile. I don't personally understand what the motive for such an idea is, upon my own evaluation of the situation I see it as some kind of joke my school is playing on students who won't understand it. 

Perhaps I should re-title this entry "The Crisis of the Above Average", upon thinking about the issue I've wondered if perhaps those who score average scores fail to recognize what they are unable to do, I personally know many people who fall in this range who reach for the impossible dream. The reason why I'd be calling the entry "The Crisis of the Above Average" is it seems to present that students who score above average on standardized exams are more likely to realize they will not reach goals of being considered "the best". 

The purpose of this entry is mainly for me to whine and complain without calling or bothering someone directly, the goal is not to discourage people from every dream they have ever had. What I'm asking is that people please make realistic goals for themselves and others, so they they ultimately won't be disappointed why the can't accomplish goals that someone evaluating the situation from an outside perspective knew was unreasonable for such a person to accomplish. Please make reasonable goals in which you will have to work hard to accomplish but are within your capabilities. 

Why Harry Potter didn't tie his shoes.

Reposted from my post to a forum originally posted on Tuesday, July 21st, 2009:

The following post was made in response to members of a forum being confused about a scene in the movie Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in which Ginny Weasley ties Harry Potter's shoes.

"I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last week and was going to comment originally but didn't feel I had much to say. Finally after commentary was made about the shoe tying scene I wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint about why they may have included this scene. I thought the shoe tying scene in the movie was partly a way of pointing out something about Radcliffe, which I'm fairly certain has been done in different movies with other actors and actresses. The reason why I suggest this as a possible explanation is that Daniel Radcliffe has dyspraxia (dyspraxia is a developmental condition that affects coordination) and has expressed that he difficulties tying his shoes. When I processed the scene I now understand that I may have given some extra value to it that other people didn't. I could be entirely wrong in my proposed possible explanation, but I thought I'd offer it anyway." - J. Gray Rosenblum