Accepting yourself, sometimes.

I admittedly have a problem that reoccurs, that is, when problems arise too much or issues within the autistic community become too hard I find it easier to deny a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. To me it seems that if you feel able to deny something you're able to deny challenges that may come because of it. I've had a discussion with others before about how I'm not willing to change who I am. I may seem to have more "negatives" than some other people I know directly, as I sometimes have had them pointed out by people like my mother. I am aware that I don't have an IQ as high as many of the acquaintances and friends I've had (I've had a sample that has generally very high IQs). I know that I've been upset that I didn't feel as smart as the people around me and I've question why the few people who accept me do so. Somewhat recently a person told me that they thought they didn't think think I had AS rather that I should have an Autism diagnosis, I understand that this was merely a non professional opinion and had took root in the person's own biased opinion. The problem that I had with the opinion that was stated doesn't relate to me feeling the diagnosis is any better or worse, the concern or reason for upset was the judgements that the person made along with their statement.

When I deny all diagnosis I temporary escape judgements, nothing else. When I deny having a diagnosis the benefits and challenges that I have related to whatever you'd like to call the condition I have don't go away. When I take test the results generally result in a way that you would expect to see for a person on the autism spectrum. Approximately a year ago I would have come up with a number of explanations or excuses as to why some results on test and evaluations were they way they had resulted. I know that I've even attempted to even find alternative explanations for why I like replaying videos for hours, or rocking back and forth.

I'd like to say that in the future I won't resort to attempting to deny a diagnosis, I know that while I can accept discussions about myself at the current moment a time will probably return when I'll find it easier to attempt to search for other ways to explain the experiences I have. I don't expect or want the experiences I've had or will have to cease to exist, I do however hope that will time I will perhaps learn to manage discussion and not try to temporarily put up a wall from them when everything becomes too overwhelming.